Part 2568 – In Isellta’s Mind

Regret.

Shame.

Revulsion.

Disgust.

Isellta scrubbed the carpet with his towel. That is what I feel about what I did in here. I’m filthy and repulsive. I’m disgusting.

But the worst is yet to come. She expects me to hrrash ka kae with her again and I will have to do it. I wish I didn’t have to. I hate how it feels. I hate how I feel so….ugly and broken and used when I do it with her. It doesn’t make me happy.

I wonder if it should. Does it even matter? She isn’t happy. She’s disappointed and frustrated with me.

A memory of his mother lingered on the periphery of his mind. 

He scrubbed the carpet even harder and mentally shoved that memory aside. As soon as it was gone, however, a new memory swooped in and took its place.

In Isellta’s mind, Robin laughed. It was a wonderfully happy sound. So careless and free. There was nothing politely fake about it. It was real. It seemed to come from every part of his soul. 

In Isellta’s mind, Robin looked at him. His eyes were perfect. Both were a warm brown that sparkled with life. He smiled flirtatiously at Isellta.

In Isellta’s mind, Robin’s eyes were a mismatched set. One was perfect and clear. The other was marred by a permanent scar. But they were still beautiful to Isellta.

In Isellta’s mind, Robin burst into the room at the Red Lantern, all wound up in a fierce panic. That panic quickly turned into relief. Relief that he’d found Isellta. Relief that Isellta hadn’t left him for good.

Isellta focused on that last memory. He held it in place and gently turned it, as if it were a faceted diamond catching the light. He was afraid that I’d left him. He even said so. If we are ever reunited, will he still be that glad to see me? Will he punch my shoulder and tell me to not scare him like that again?

But what about when he finds out about everything I’ve gone through here?

Will he still be glad to see me?

Will he still want me?

Or will he see me the same way I see me?

He paused in his scrubbing to check the carpet’s stain. It was still there, but the borders were weakened and softened and blurred out of shape. 

Isellta fluttered his wings. “Just a little bit more and I’ll be done.”

 

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