“Hey stupiduglydumb hunter. We have your giiiirrrlfriend. You better hurry over here and rescue her before Butch gets hungry. Oh. Too late. Butch is already hungry. Shoo, Butch is always hungry.
Well. Butch is pinching the back of my neck. So, I’ll make this message nice and short for you stupiduglydumb hunter: Come to the cemetery with 12,000 dollars or else your little giiiiirrrrrlfriend bites the dust. Get it? Because we’re vampires and
Butch is pinching the back of my neck a whole lot harder.
So. that’s it, stupiduglydumb hunter.
Be sure to bring the money and a bottle of fine
Butch really needs to stop pinching me.
Butch says it’s dumb to put sincerely on a ransom note. So, forget that ever happened.
Don’t forget to bring the moolah.
I think that’s it.
ps: I hoped you liked my ransom note. I’ve never written one before. Hope it sounded okay.”